Monday, November 19, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
You know what really chafes my shithole
Vomitrons always chafe my effing shithole.
Vomitron - vom-i-tron (noun): One who projectile vomits with dangerous psi, accompanied by aggrandized cartoon like sound effects.
Necessary conditions: (1) Needs to be in public
(2) Easily accessible, and ignored bathroom
(3) Someone else's house
Example: Last weekend a close friend came to stay at my house. Needless to say we copiously indulge in alcohol and the accompanied side courses. Late night approaches and everyone makes there way back to my apartment. Fine, a great way to save money and keep the party going. After a few rounds and multiple sessions, my guest, who avoided his drunken alter ego referred to as Lionel Jenkins (the ignorant, racist, typical bar drunk defiant asshole), loses all pigment in his face and runs to the bathroom.
Minutes later he exits the bathroom as pale and uncomfortable as he entered. He slowly turns and sits on the couch; upon sitting, he says "I couldn't puke." He then slowly stands and bolts to the bathroom for a second chance. Not 2, not 4, but exactly 3 minutes later he returns with a look of complete satisfaction.
"You know what's really funny"? he says, "When you think you need to puke but you shit instead." Mid sentence he covers his mouth and with the most bitter cacophony projectile vomits over my entire living room.
Now, I am guilty of becoming Vomitron myself. Nonetheless, this shit always chafes my shithole.
My brain operates too slowly to reach optimal offensiveness-
on the L train the other day, I see a woman scolding her young daughter on the adjacent train . At the next stop, the woman pulls her child into our car and the argument ensues. Slowly, the argument captures more and more attention from surrounding passengers who are remaining seemingly distant, but very aware of the situation.
The woman screams at her daughter "I don't care how poor we are. We are better than this. Don't take food from strangers"!
As the woman turns to situate herself on the train, her little girl reaches into her mothers bag and pulls out an Eggo waffle someone had earlier slipped into the bag. When the mother turns to find the waffle in her daughters hand, she quickly grabs the waffle and initiates a tug-of-war match for the precious waffle.
The tension shared between the passengers was undeniably thick. Everyone - heads down and eyes up were trying to remain serious, but at any moment someone could slip and start to laugh at this funny- but not really situation.
In the midst of the battle, both the mother and the daughter lose grip of the Ego waffle sending the breakfast medallion spinning into the air... eventually landing on the girls head.
This is what really sweats my nutsack. Only after the fact did I realize if I had said "L'eggo my Eggo" during the climax of the battle, I would have made everyone on that train look like an asshole for openly laughing at what they were silently laughing at. I feel this is a metaphor for life, and we can all learn from it.
You know what really pinches my grundle?
Now let me say, I don't believe in parking in a handicapped zone, I have never done this before and would never purposely do it either. What I do take offense to is the complete indecency of this woman to take pleasure in making sure I pay the maximum fine for parking in her spot, when I am almost positive she doesn't even own a car! Just to make things even sweeter, I notice the fine can be anywhere from 100-500 dollars so I recieved the maximum no doubt because this old lady made a big stink to the police about it. Now I have a court date to try and pull some leniancy from a judge to lessen the fine, as 500 dollars is a little more than I have to spend right now for a mistake as small as not seeing a sign.
The best part is, she has a steep staircase in front of her house with no wheelchair ramp or any other access to her front porch. This implies she is either capable of climbing these stairs herself which means she is perfectly capable to walk a few feet down the road like the rest of us, or someone carries her down, highly improbable....OR she never leaves her effing house which is the most likely answer....I am considering acts of revenge if I am to pay this entire 500 dollar fine so any ideas are much appreciated....